The Falling away

It’s the first official day of Fall. It’s still pretty hot here in Georgia, but you can feel it coming. You can feel it in the crispness of the cooler air early in the morning, and in the dusk that sets in just a little earlier at the end of every day. It used to be my favorite time of the year. It brought a cool breeze. It brought beautiful warm colors. It brought the ability to throw on cozy sweaters and jeans. It brought warm comfort foods and everything pumpkin. It brought bonfires and roasted marshmallows and Saturday night football viewing parties. Don’t get confused, I know y’all know I really don’t care about the football games. I’m just there for the snacks and the company, yeah, mostly the snacks. Ha. 

But I CAN tell you which team will win the game with at least 95% accuracy, based on my personally developed “super scientific uniform theory”. I kid you not. This is a real thing. Basically, I pick the winning team based on the uniform they are wearing. The colors, the fit, the presentation, I take it all into account, all the way from the helmet down to the shoes. Laugh if you want, Jeff certainly doubted my “super scientific theory” too. Until he saw how many times I was right! I guess that’s a little off subject. So I’ll get back to what I was saying. Y’all just let me know if you want me to choose a winner for ya. πŸ˜‚

Fall still brings all of those things. But two years ago, Fall brought me something else. Something that would change life as I knew it forever. Well, in reality, that one Fall day didn’t alter the course of my life. The day Jeff first entertained the thought of becoming involved with her is the day that my life changed forever. My world was dismantled bit by bit with every thought, every text, every conversation, every meeting between the two of them over the course of that year. So that particular September day was not the one day my world was destroyed, it was just the day that I came to the full realization of it. 

Last year, I struggled a lot with it. The triggers were everywhere. The thoughts and memories sometimes overwhelming. Because that same crispness in the air that I used to love so much was the same crisp air that I ran out into to try and catch my breath on that awful day. Because those football games reminded me of the one he was getting ready to go watch when I saw those messages on his phone that were proof of his betrayal. 

This year, it doesn’t have as strong of an effect. I can’t say the anniversary of that day hasn’t affected me at all. I still had some level of anxiety about it. But it was more of an annoying quiet hum than the load roar that it used to be. 

Last year, I had wanted to plan something to mark the day. Something to try and give it new meaning, and new memories. This year, I didn’t feel as strongly about it. Earlier in the year I bought tickets to go to a Kari Jobe concert. When I saw the announcement for the concert, and saw that it was local and just happened to be on September 10th, I figured what better way to spend that evening than filling it with worship music? I figured that would be a good way to drown out any negative feelings that crept in that day. 

As it turned out, D-day came and went without leaving much of a footprint this year. September 10th fell on a Sunday. We got up and went to church as usual. We went to lunch together , just the two of us. Jeff was actually the one to bring it up. “So, today’s our happy anniversary I guess? Well, more of an unhappy anniversary? But happy because we survived. And because our lives are so much better now than they were.”

And that was the extent of our acknowledgment of the day. As it turned out, the concert, which I had actually forgotten about until that afternoon, was cancelled last minute because of Hurricane Irma’s impending arrival. So we stayed home, cozy on our sofa with bowls of chili and watched some tv. 

I guess my feelings kind of go back and forth on what this day should be. A part of me wants to fill it up with new things and new memories to give it new meaning. But another part wants to let it pass with no acknowledgment at all. To take its power away by making it just another day on the calendar. 

I think the reality will fall somewhere between the two. Because in reality, I’ll most likely never forget the date, so it will always be acknowledged in some way. But I never want it to be in a way that glorifies the ugliness of that day, or gives those memories the power to ruin my present day. Because September 10th, 2017, is not September 10th, 2015. And September 10th, 2018 and every September 10th after that won’t be either. That day is gone. It happened, and we can’t change it. And every year, though the date may be the same, our lives are not the same. So we will acknowledge it, but only with a sense of gratitude of the goodness that we live in now, and that we have put one more year in between us and that terrible time in our lives. 

When I think about it, it’s kind of fitting that this day happened in the Fall. 

We don’t necessarily think about it, because it can be so deceivingly beautiful, but in essence, Fall is a process of death. The vibrant green trees slowly fade to warm shades of yellow, orange, and red. They look so lovely on the outside, that we don’t often think about what might be happening on the inside. 

Slowly, the colorful leaves begin to loosen, and one by one, fall to the ground. There’s only a few at first, so we just walk through them, hearing them crunch under our feet but not really giving them much thought. But as the wind gets stronger, the dying leaves become weaker, and suddenly they are everywhere, covering the ground. Smothering the grass beneath them. 

Hiding the walkways and covering the paths that we could once see clearly. 

It is messy, this falling away. And once the leaves have all fallen, the trees look painfully bare. The falling away is followed by a season of emptiness. Or at least that’s the way it seems. But it is the Fall, the shedding of the old, that makes way for the new. It’s a painful process. There’s no getting around that. But it’s the only way to shed what no longer belongs. To get rid of the diseased leaves. To reset. So that when the Spring comes, and it always comes, there’s nothing hindering its growth. And what grows from those empty branches is fuller, and more beautiful than what it was before. So much stronger than it was before the falling away. 

The seasons of life can be painful. But there is beauty in all of it. Even in the falling away. Even in the dead of the barren winter. Because it’s making way for the beauty of Spring, and the fullness of Summer. Some years it brings varying levels of death and life. Sometimes the changes are small, and we come through it mostly unscathed, barely even noticing that the seasons changed, and other times, the changing of the seasons of our lives is so sudden and so devastating that we wonder if the winter will ever end. 

Don’t lose hope. Spring is coming. It always comes. And in the meantime, look for the beauty in the season you’re in. It’s there. It’s always there. 

When the spring comes, you’ll be stronger. You’ll be fuller. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Yes, there may be losses to mourn. You’ll certainly never be the same. You may bear the scars of the storms you weathered through the winter. But that will be what sets you apart. It will be your mark of the goodness of God. A symbol of how we can survive bad things. How the storms can wound us, but that those wounds can heal. A symbol of how all that we know can fall away, lost forever, but that something beautiful can grow in its place. 


Amy Thurston Gordy


He goes before us.

Anxiety. Worry.Β Fear of the unknown.

We’ve all had it.

Some of us deal with it just on occasion. Others of us…well, we basically live in it. 24 hours a day.

And for those, it’s just exhausting.

And it’s a lie.

An illusion.

A tactic to steal our happiness.

To steal our security.

Our joy.

To steal our time. Precious, precious time.

We worry and we fret, and minute by minute it slips away.


On a lie.

But this is the truth:
God goes before us.
Whatever we are stepping into, He’s already there.
He has prepared the path.

Yes, our choices, and the choices of others may have set us on that path.

But no matter what turns that path takes,

He goes before us.Β 

When I found out about the affair,
One after another He put people and resources in my path to guide me through it.

Some I knew of, but didn’t really know personally, and they reached out and spoke words of hope and comfort to me. Others had been close to me forever. But they were all there for a purpose. As each one spoke into my life I remember being amazed at how they had been placed so strategically even before any of this happened.

Because He knew.

He knew I would need them.

And now I see how I’ve been placed in other people’s paths.

People that need to hear my story. People that I can give hope to. People that I never would have connected with otherwise.
Just last week, I got a message from a woman. She wanted to thank me for stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing my story. A few days after hearing me speak, she found out her husband was cheating.

God put me in her path, so that when she faced what I faced, she would remember the words I spoke and know that no matter what, whether the marriage survives or even if it doesn’t, if she will keep her focus on him, God will redeem her story and bring goodness to her.

He goes before us.
In another situation, I was dreading something hard that I knew I had to do this week.
I was filled with anxiety and worry about it, and about how the next few weeks would play out.

But when it came down to it, it went surprisingly well. It was still hard, but not in the way that I had expected. I know why it went so well.

It’s because He goes before us.

Jeff and I have prayed for new opportunities over the past few months. Opportunities to put our family in a better place financially. Opportunities to lower the stress in our lives.
And in the past week, we believe we are seeing those opportunities arise. I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone again, and make a decision in faith.

And we both feel good about it and have confidence that there is good stuff ahead in that area.

Because we know He goes before us.

He is making the way.

And not just in the big stuff.
In the little stuff too.

Last night we were headed out for a special early anniversary date. We got in the car after having dinner and headed towards Atlanta.
Suddenly, our headlights go out. BOTH of them…while we are driving on the expressway.

We can’t go to Atlanta with no headlights. And our tickets are date specific and non-refundable.

20 seconds later as we are preparing to pull over, I look up and on the corner at the next red-light, is an auto parts store.

We pull in, get the bulbs, and Jeff changes the headlights, and we are off safely to our special date.

If those lights had blown just a few minutes later after we left the expressway and gotten onto the interstate, it could have been disastrous. But instead they blew minutes before that and literally 30 seconds ahead of an auto parts store.

Because He goes before us.

I use to live in fear. A lot of fear. Of so many things. Of change. Of not being enough. Of worst case scenarios. Of what ifs.
But the past year has taught me a very important lesson. A lesson that is invaluable.

The lesson is this:
Anxiety is nothing more than a lie.

Worry is nothing more than a lie.

Fear is nothing more than a lie.

Because no matter what comes for us, He is there. No matter what hardship or sadness or pain our paths lead us through, He’s already there. He’s paved the path. He’s prepared the way. He’s put in place every single thing we need. All we have to do is trust Him.

He’s got us.

He LOVES us.

He works ALL things for our good.

We don’t have to worry. We don’t have to be afraid. We just have to trust Him. We just have to trust in His goodness.

And when we do, the goodness comes pouring in.

POURING in abundantly.

We can walk in the confidence that He has goodness for us.

That in Him we will find everything we need.

I am not afraid anymore.Β 
I don’t want you to be either.
Don’t let those fears hold you back.
The fear of change. Of worst case scenarios. Of not being enough. Of all the what ifs.

Some of you just need to let go of the anxiety and worry and rest in the fact that He knows the plans He has for you, and that they are always, always good.

Some of you need to take it a step further and step out of your comfort zone. Some of you need to know that there’s so much goodness out there if you’ll just get past taking that step. And that goodness may not be just for you. You may bring goodness to people that you wouldn’t have, had you not stepped out of your comfort zone. Scratch that. You WILL bring goodness to people that you otherwise would have never been in the position to before. That is a fact.
Stop letting the doubts and the worry keep you from becoming the person God intended you to be.
Stop letting the fear steal your happiness.

Your potential.

Your joy.

Your precious time.

Stop letting it steal the goodness of THIS day.

The goodness of THIS moment.

Don’t listen to the lies of fear and worry.

Listen to the truth.

Look for the goodness. Thank God for His love and His protection and His abundant favor.

It overwhelms me, this truth.
That He doesn’t miss a single detail.
That every single step we take,
He goes before us.Β 

Deutoronomy 31:8

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Amy Thurston Gordy

Thank God it’s Friday

Thank God it’s Friday. It’s been a crazy, stressful, emotionally exhausting week for me.Β First off, we are in the midst of fixing up the house. There’s a loonnnng list of things around here that need updating, and so we have started mainly with the kitchen and dining room for now.

So far walls and cabinets have been painted, cabinet pulls updated, and backsplash has been purchased. After bringing home the backsplash, we quickly realized that the existing countertops that we had planned on keeping for now, were just ruining the whole aesthetic. So now new countertops have been added to the list. I love looking at and picking out all the colors/materials for all the renovations, but I’m not great at making the final decision. I second guess everything and it has a tendency to totally stress me out.

Sneak peek 😎:

And then on Monday this happens. I get a text from Jeff while he’s at the golf course.

*Note: Jeff’s words in white, My words in blue. Pictures have been edited to remove expletives and to protect the identity of the innocentπŸ˜„*

Ummm. So, quick search of the internets to figure out who this number belongs to annnddd… I find nothing.

It’s not HER number, that I know for sure. I know her numbers and this is not one of them.

But why? Why would someone randomly send him a pic of a newborn baby?

Is it possible?

Is someone trying to tip him off?

I mean, she isn’t on social media anymore. And the people I know that somewhat know her or might possibly ever see her, haven’t seen or heard anything of her since like January.

Suddenly I’m counting the months in my head.

Oh no. NOoooo. No no no no no.

So obviously, I need to see that baby pic.

Like immediately.

Heart ceases to function.

Dark hair.

Similar nose.

This isn’t happening. This is not his baby. Please God. This can NOT be his baby.

Several more strings of expletives. I’m not a big cusser. I mean I might throw out the occasional word here and there, sure. But I’m pretty sure I’ve never muttered that many expletives under my breath at one time.

At this point I’m texting my sisters, because I’m on the verge of full meltdown. I’m trying to joke about it because I don’t want it to be true but I’m feeling a little panicky.

They search Facebook and come up with a name.

Oh praise Jesus.

It’s his coworkers number. It was her grandbaby. Or was it?

Wait, are we remembering correctly that her daughter already had her baby weeks ago? If so why would she send this pic today? Does she know *________(insert expletive…umm I mean mistresses name hereπŸ™„) ??? Oh gosh. I’m gonna have to do a little more research.

Thankfully, I found that it was in fact, his co-workers grandbaby.πŸ™πŸ»

(He works in the heart cath lab, and was on call on this day.)

So. That was stressful. And maybe a little bit funny, only because it wasn’t actually his baby. It’s one of those things that is a humorous story to tell, but truly not funny at all because of the fact that any of it was ever a possibility in the first place. But the fact that I have been able to find some humor in the story means I’ve come a long way, right?

Side note….

Public service announcement:

If you have a friend or coworker that you want to send a pic of your baby to, and that person has a history of infidelity, and there’s any possible chance that they may not have you saved as a contact in their phone, it is best to put a note with the pic identifying exactly who that precious little bundle of joy belongs to, so as to avoid giving the recipients wife a heart attack. πŸ˜‚

So after all that, It’s just been a particularly stressful week at work. I had a lot of extra things to handle on top of an already large work load, and I get stressed when things pile up.

I used to be very laid back and not easily frazzled. That’s one of the things I miss most about pre-affair Amy.

It was incredibly busy and I had end of the month paperwork and accounting to do and on top of that we had some computer issues that seem to be never ending. But it was also our first early Thursday of the summer. Half of the office comes in early and gets off at 2:30-3:00. I was so excited about getting off early and brought my lunch so I could just work right through and leave at 2.

I left the office that morning to go to the bank. Driving by the hospital I glance over. I see Jeff leaning into the passenger side of a car.

Y’all. It was like an alien took control of my body. πŸ‘½

Seeing him leaning into that car in that parking lot. In my mind all I could see was him leaning in to kiss her.

That is not what was happening in this moment.

But every fiber of my being involuntarily reacted as if it were.

My heart was racing.

And before I even realized I was doing it I had pulled into the parking lot.

Thought in my head:

“Amy! What are you doing? He’s not doing anything wrong. You KNOW this. He’s not that person anymore. And even if he was, he wouldn’t do it right here in the front by the road where he could most certainly be seen by anyone riding by. Even when he was doing that, he was smart enough to not do it where he could be seen from the road.”

Yet there I was. Pulling up right in front of him. Compelled to see for myself why he was leaned into that car.

He was helping a patient into their car. He was doing his job. He never even saw me go by.

He was not betraying me. And she wasn’t there. She will never be there again. I hope one day, she won’t still be there in my head. Not like this. I knew there was nothing bad happening in that moment. Yet even though I knew that, and was able to remind myself of that , my body still has that fight or flight reaction. It’s awful. Five minutes after it happened my pulse was still 132. I’m praying that one day my body will catch up with my brain and that type of reaction to my triggers will stop happening.

I pulled it together and went back into work. Still looking forward to leaving early. 2:00 comes around and I’m about to leave and my boss comes up, says to please not kill him but he needs this particular set of statistics figured immediately, as in that very day. Statistics that our software doesn’t track, and that are nearly impossible to figure out. And I’m most likely the only one that knows how to manipulate the system to figure a way to find those numbers.

Ok. Great.

So I’m not leaving anytime soon. Ugh.😩

I do figure out how to do it. But it’s tedious and time consuming and nearly 2 hours later I’m only halfway through it. By then I’m feeling overwhelmed and not to mention really upset that I was supposed to be home hours ago.

About that time, one of my sweet co-workers comes up to ask me to look up something for her. And well, that apparently pushed me right on over the edge. I literally burst into tears. Tears y’all! Like what the crap is wrong with me?

Bless her heart. I look at her and say “oh my gosh I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m really not that upset. I think I’m just stressed and then all this extra stuff has been piled on me here and I was so ready to go home and now I can’t leave and I didn’t even know I was going to cry and these tears just came pouring out of no where and now I look like a crazy person. Oh my gosh what is wrong with me? I’m so sorry just give me a minute to pull myself together.”


Does that happen to y’all? Do you ever think you’re handling things and maybe it’s not fun but you’re really fine until you just suddenly reach a breaking point without even knowing it and find yourself fighting back tears out of nowhere? No? Just me? πŸ€”πŸ˜Š

I mean none of the things that happened this week were all that tragic. None of these things on their own were things that had actually turned out badly. None of these things were things I couldn’t deal with or handle or get through. But I guess when you pile all these stressful situations on top of each other it multiplies the intensity or something.
Anyway. That’s how my week went.

But today is Friday.

No work.

No decisions or big purchases have to be made today.

Just sunshine. My pool. Yard sales. And family.

And time to relax, calm my mind and look back at the good stuff this stressful week brought.

Time to count the blessings.

Turns out Jeff has a former employer that does countertops. He gave him a call to get an estimate on making ours. He proceeded to tell Jeff how proud he is of what he’s made of himself, and is giving us an amazing deal. The amount is no where even close to what I thought I was going to have to come up with. A big blessing for sure.

And Jeff doesn’t have a baby. Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord. I’m a strong person, and I’m a good person. But I’m not confident that I am THAT strong, or THAT good. Thank you Lord that I don’t have to find out.

And he wasn’t cheating on me in the parking lot. He was doing his job. A job that he is amazing at.

And the flooring tile we wanted went on sale. πŸ’°

And since I got stuck at work for so long, I can get off extra early one day next week with pay to make up for it.

And my sweet coworkers don’t think I’m a crazy person. They love me and I love them and we are all so lucky to have each other’s support.

And as usual for the new Jeff, when I have a bad day, he is sweet and compassionate and does every thing to try and make me feel secure. To help me relax and calm the anxiety. And to make me laugh. πŸ’—

Blessings. They’re everywhere. Even on the stressful days or the sad days or the crazy days. You just have to decide to see them.

Happy Friday!❀️

Amy Thurston Gordy

There’s something about Mondays

There’s something about Mondays. I’ve noticed that I struggle more on Mondays. I get a little panicky, randomly throughout the day. I feel anxiety creeping up on me. I push it aside and try my best to just push through it.
But why Mondays? I mean, there were obviously instances of contact between the two of them in some way or another on any given day of the week, but Mondays were my girls night out. It’s the night that I meet up with my sisters and close friends every week to have dinner and watch the Bachelor. It’s the day that she would text him asking if I was gone yet. If it was safe to call. It was the night every week that they couldn’t wait for me to get out the door, because it meant they had probably at least thirty minutes to an hour of uninterrupted phone time before her husband got home from work. It’s a night that if they were both working, he didn’t have to rush home afterwards and had more time to spend with her. I had no idea what was going on at the time. But now that I know, the feelings that brings has made what is supposed to be a fun night somewhat difficult.
I know that is not how he spends his time now. So I push through those feelings and I try not to let it steal my time or my fun with my favorite ladies. Let me tell you something about those ladies. They are my constants. My supporters, my defenders, my encouragers. And they are funny, y’all. Seriously some of the best people on the planet. I am so blessed to have them. And let’s not forget the food. Because really, the food is half of the fun, right?

So I go and I enjoy my time with them, but it is sometimes interspersed with moments of this inner struggle with my thoughts, and having to remind myself that this panicky feeling is an illusion, that all that is over and he is not at home talking to her. I’m really good at holding it in and pushing it back. No one can really tell because I’m so quick to push it back, (except Jeff, he can see it, no matter how well I think I’m hiding it, he can always see it) and I think I’m handling it well, but by the time I make it home and have a shower and get in bed, the stress of fighting those thoughts all day bubbles to the surface and I end up crying it out. Purging it from my system so I can sleep. So I can keep from carrying it into the next day.
Sure, I have moments, hours even that I don’t think about it. That it doesn’t sit in the forefront of my mind, instead it stays tucked away, back in the corner where it doesn’t hurt so much. I can have days now where I almost feel normal even. Days that I can almost forget it happened. That’s progress for sure. And I am thankful for that. There are also still the moments when the reality of it hits me. That he was kissing someone else. Holding her, touching her, being intimate with her. Telling her he loved her. I think about the first time he came home late. Before all this started, he never came home late. I remember I had cooked a nice meal. I made his plate expecting him any minute. He didn’t show up and I texted him. No response. The food was getting cold. The girls and I ate without him. I remember feeling uneasy. Not that it occurred to me to worry he was with someone else. I mean, I’m sure it occurred to me, but not in a serious sense, not in a way that it was anything I actually thought he would do. Just uneasy because he wasn’t ever late and I couldn’t get in touch with him.
I wrapped up his food. In reality, he was not working late. He had walked out on time, walked to the parking lot, and instead of getting in his car and coming home to me, he made the decision to follow through with an invitation to meet her in her car. He told me his replacement showed up late so he couldn’t leave. He lied to me like it was easy. Why was it so easy? And then the why’s start pouring in. Coursing through my mind like river rapids, each turn bringing another unanswerable why. I have to be careful to not be carried away with the why’s. The why’s suck me into a dark place and if I’m not careful I could drown in them. Because there are no real answers to the why’s. And even if there were, there are no answers that would be justified, or make sense of any of it. I have to let go of the why’s. There are no explanations of why that could take away the pain, or make it hurt any less. And focusing on answering an unanswerable question brings nothing but torment. So I HAVE to let go of the why’s.
Those moments when it all catches up with me and I break down are hard. But they are also important. Important because I do get through them. Because I can beat them. Because I know God is bigger than my bad days. Because I know that I went a little bit longer this time between bad days. Because I know better days are ahead. And because every time I break down, I see my pain reflected in Jeff’s eyes. I see his remorse, I see how much his heart breaks that he broke mine. And that helps me heal.
So, yes, there’s just been something about Mondays. And I don’t like it. I don’t like where it takes me. I don’t like that it brings me anxiety on a night that is supposed to be relaxing and fun. So, from this day forward, I’m taking Mondays back. That’s how I move forward. I identify the things that bring the bad thoughts. I allow myself the necessary moments to grieve. I purge it out. I find the patterns. Then I fight. I fight to take it back. To reclaim my days. To reclaim my sanity. To reclaim my joy.
One day at a time.

Amy Thurston Gordy