It only matters that I start.

So this post today is actually two blog posts in one. I wrote the post below last month. But I left it in my notes as a draft and didn’t publish it. I didn’t publish it because I felt like there was something else I was supposed to share that day and so I wrote a different post. At least that’s what I told myself anyway. But I think the real reason I didn’t post it, is because if I posted it, I would have to actually do it. If I posted it, I’d be accountable to follow through. And it’s funny because the thing I ended up posting about that day was fear and doubt and how they steal our now from us. 

Yet, I apparently missed my own preaching. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Once again, I let the fear of failure, of not being good enough, and the doubts of how something I want to do could actually become a reality, get in the way of my purpose. I let the doubt and the fear tell me who I am and what I’m capable of. 

And I had forgotten about that post. Until this morning . When Dusty Takle stood up on that stage at church to deliver her sermon and reminded me who I am. She talked about Song of Solomon 2:4 – “Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love.” She talked about how a banner is a covering, and how God covers us with His love. And how we need to be each other’s banner. Covering each other with love. She also talked about how she had known for years that she is supposed to write a book. And about how she had let fear and insecurity get in the way. How she had made noble excuses about why she couldn’t do it. Kind of like these excuses I’d been making:

1. I don’t have time. I have a full time job. I’m off 3 days a week, during which I also need to clean, shop, and spend time with my family. Writing is intensive and all consuming and it takes focus and when I write, everything around me fades out. So I told myself it’s not fair to my family for me to take that time. I didn’t want them to feel like they were less important or like I wasn’t present with them.

2. I don’t have the ability. Sure, I’m a decent writer. But, I have no idea how to turn all these thoughts and stories into an actual full book. I also have no idea how to go about procuring a publisher. I’m also a bit of a control freak and not having all these things outlined and planned out step by step freaks me out a little. I don’t like the feeling of going in blind. 

So, let’s break those down. 

1. Kate’s back to school now, so even if my week gets busy, at the very least, I have about 8 hours to myself every Friday. Surely I can carve out some of those to devote to writing.  Also, Jeff looked at me in the car on the way home and said, “So, it’s time you started writing that book.” To which I replied, “I know. But I have felt like it’s too intensive and that it will take too much of my time and focus from y’all, and I just don’t know how to do it without our relationship suffering.” Then, taking a line from the sermon this morning he held his hands up and said, “I’m holding your banner. I’ve got you covered. We’re ok. You can do this.” 

2. Ahh control. It’s kind of a joke, isn’t it? If the past two years have taught me anything, it’s been that God’s plan is the best plan. That the world will throw all kinds of things our way, some really good, and some really, really bad. But, despite what the world throws our way, when we’ve let Him, He’s done things and made things happen for us that we never would have seen coming in a million years.  Things that should never have been possible with all the bad the world threw at us.  Things that were virtually impossible two years ago are now our reality. Because He is good. And He is able. 

And He is in me, and I am in Him, so that means I am good. And I am able. I don’t have to know the plan. I don’t have to know the process. I just have to step forward and walk through it. He will provide the way. He will clear the path, all I have to do is keep moving. 

So today, I’m posting that draft that I’ve been sitting on for all these weeks. If God’s whisper weeks ago wasn’t prompting enough, His direct words through Dusty this morning definitely got my attention. So thank you for that, friend. Sometimes, when we get too still, we need someone to give us a little nudge to get us moving again.

July 23, 2017

I haven’t been doing any writing this month. Not sure why, just haven’t felt compelled to do so. Thought about it a few times, but never really got any clarity as to what to write about. What I do keep having though, is a recurring thought that I should maybe take a break from writing here, and start putting pen to paper, (or fingers to keyboard) and start working on a book. 

I’m not really sure what that looks like. If it will just be a retelling of my story in book form, or if it will be a book about how to survive when your life falls apart, or how to rebuild a marriage, or how to get it right from the beginning so that you don’t have to rebuild, or maybe even just about the goodness of God in all of our days, the good ones, and the really, really, bad ones. Maybe it’s going to be just one of these things. 

Or maybe it’s going to be all of them. 

Honestly I have no idea how this whole book writing thing works. And publishing… that’s a whole big world with very few doors. Publishing houses don’t really accept submissions that they didn’t request from you themselves anymore. So short of a miraculous intervention, self publishing is the most likely avenue and even then the options are confusing and also can be rather expensive. 

I tend to think way ahead and worry about the details of things, which tends to lead me to doubt things and limit the possibilities. Realistically, being able to put a book together and actually get it published , well, let’s just say the odds are against me. But then, I’m reminded that my odds are not regular odds. 

My job is just to write the book. God can handle the rest. 

I have to remind myself that I wrote my first blog with the thought that the odds were that only a handful of people would ever see it. At the time I was actually kind of counting on that, as putting myself out there like that was pretty terrifying. 

I wasn’t even sure what it was going to be, how much I would actually share of my story or what all I had to say. I just knew I needed to write it. 

And here we are, a year and a half and thousands of visitors from over 40 countries later. Never would I ever have imagined that. I didn’t make that happen. All I did was write some words from my heart and press the publish button. 

So regardless of what I know or don’t know about writing books, it doesn’t really matter. It only matters that I start. 

God can take care of the rest.

❤️

Amy Thurston Gordy

Always call your Mama

All the boxes were packed, the uhaul and cars loaded with all of her things, old and new, that she will need to start her new life. 
I walked into her room and although her furniture is still there, most of her personal items are gone and there’s an eerie emptiness about it as the realization settles in that she won’t live here anymore. It’s an odd feeling. 

It’s hard to explain how I can be so excited for her, so proud and confident in the woman she’s become, and yet so heartbroken that it’s time for her to leave me. 

Before she was born, I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I would imagine her perfect little face, a head full of dark hair, her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. But after two years and a bunch of tests, I was told that because of a uterine abnormality and infrequent ovulation , the chances were slim. 

I prayed for her for so long. When I finally got pregnant, I knew she was a girl. I don’t know how I knew but I did. I felt like I knew her, my sweet baby girl, before she was even born. She was my miracle.

The day she was born, we both nearly died. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and they worried that I could have a stroke. The Doctor came in to take me back for the emergency c-section. She told me that the baby’s tests had not looked good, that the only thing they saw to be hopeful about was that her lungs seemed to be functioning, but that she was in a lot of distress and that I should prepare myself that she may very well be stillborn. They said that if she did survive, she would most likely have serious issues that would require a long stay in the NICU. 

But God had other plans. 

She came out, and had the most perfect, strong, but tiny little cry. I’ll never forget that sound, and the sound of the laughter and clapping from the pediatrician and nurses that were there waiting, fully expecting that they were going to have to try and bring her back to life. 

Her existence was a miracle for the second time. And I’ll never forget the relief and the joy in that room as they handed her to her Dad. No sadness. No machines. No NICU. Just 4 lbs and 9 oz of perfection and determination, with that same head full of dark hair that I had imagined. 

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 20 years since that day. It’s gone by so fast. And I’ve loved every minute of it. I haven’t been the perfect mom. I’ve failed her at times. And as mom’s do, I’ve beat myself up about those moments and wished more than anything I could have a do over. But I hope she knows that in all things, the good and the bad, in every moment, I have loved her fiercely, with every fiber of my being. 

Her name, Emily, in Latin, means hardworking and conscientious. In Greek it means tender hearted and kind. 

Grace in Latin, means God’s favor, and in Greek it means beauty and joy. 

She is all of these things and so much more. 

Her ambition in life makes us so proud. She has such a capacity for kindness and empathy with people and animals. Of course we all know she likes the animals best though, ha. 

She is incredibly beautiful, smart, strong, funny, and talented. And she has brought me more joy than she could ever know. 

Just after my maternity leave, a friend of mine that didn’t have kids yet asked me what it was like going back to work and leaving her in daycare. 

I remember telling her it was like taking my beating heart out of my chest and handing it over to a stranger to take care of. 

Today feels very much the same. Today I left a big part of my heart in Athens.
Home won’t be the same without her there. 
Today, I pray blessings over her. I pray for God’s protection, and His favor. I pray the world treats her well. I pray for peace whenever she feels anxious or overwhelmed. I pray for comfort whenever she feels lonely. I pray for prosperity and that her path to success will be clear. I pray for her to have good health. I pray for her to always have confidence and strength. I pray that she will have wisdom in her decision making. I pray for her to have great friends, great opportunities, and I pray for her to have SO much fun. 
It was a long day, spent moving, putting together furniture, shopping for the last few needed items and groceries, and making everything look nice. 

The apartment is beautiful.

Seeing her here today, in her new room, her new home, I’m not at all worried about her ability to live on her own. She is smart, mature, and independent. She always has been. So I’m not worried. But my goodness, I’m going to miss her. So, so much. 

Thankfully she is only a couple of hours away. There will be lots of weekend visits and lots of fun new restaurants and bakeries and places we can explore. And hopefully she will come home often. 

I’m pretty sure she will because she will miss this sweet doggie of hers. Don’t worry Em, she will be well loved while you’re away.

She will share the apartment with two of her cousins, and I’m so thankful they will have each other to experience this new beginning with. They started their lives together. They were virtually inseparable as kids and it is so comforting and fun to see the three of them do this part of adulthood together. I know they’ll be good to each other and look out for each other. I am so excited for them and all the fun memories they are going to create there. I hope they enjoy every single minute. 

And I hope she calls her Mama. I hope she always calls her Mama. 

There is so much goodness ahead of her, and I want to hear all about it. 

❤️                                                                                                   Amy Thurston Gordy