Dear 2021,
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I’m sorry y’all. I got nothin.
Just been staring at this blank page thinking about how I’ve stepped back from this space in these past couple of years. How I haven’t felt I could safely or authentically share my words here anymore. How that has been an act of a combination of a little bit of fear, a little uncertainty, a little of “what can I even say that does anyone any good”, and a little bit of me just protecting my mental state by holding my thoughts to myself. Maybe a little of me holding some space from a world that seems to be collectively on the offense, ready to pounce at anything and anyone that seems “other”. But also maybe harming my mental state a little too by withholding from myself the one thing that ever really felt like healing for me.
But then I also thought of how I’ve never missed a New Years post, the anniversary of the day I first hit publish. Wanting desperately to write again. To connect with that deep part of my soul and listen to the voice compelling me to share what’s hidden there. To shut out the voice that says “you can’t say that out loud. That? Oh no, you definitely can’t say that. That? Oh noooo,no,no,no. They aren’t ready for that. No one will understand. And that? Girl have you lost your *@&$!* mind? Definitely do NOT share that!”
It seems these past few years, well, they took a lot from all of us.
And along the way, somehow, it seems they also took my voice.
I want to pour my heart out here again. I want the words that I type out on this page to ring true and bring comfort and hope and community and that years from now we could go back and read them and say that they held.
The truth is , as with any one that shares their life on a page, words don’t always hold. I’ve been writing a story. A story filled with truth, a story filled with hope, a story filled with things I authentically believed were true when I wrote them. And they were , they were true to me in the moment. Even though I had doubts, I held tight to the faith that everything would be ok. And it is. In the whole scheme of things, we are more than ok.
But, over the past few years, the world collectively seemed to go a little sideways. In my own story, looking back at some of the things I wrote made me feel like a fraud. Even though I know it shouldn’t, because you only know what you know, and truly, the things I wrote were authentic to my perceived reality at the time.
As with science, parenting, faith and life in general, you only know what you know at any given time and hopefully you do the best that you can with the knowledge that you have at that time. When you know better, you do better, and what you don’t know, you don’t know, until you know. Ya follow? Ha.
My point is, a lot of what I wrote was truly helpful to a lot of people. And also a lot of what I wrote was me convincing MYSELF that I was making the right choices for myself and my family. I encouraged you all to look for the good in everything. And I still do.
But I also acknowledge that there are some things that there is just no good in. And so you really have to look outside of certain things and situations to find goodness. And while I told you all that things will work out if you work really hard, and have faith that your life will be better than before, well, honestly, I can’t guarantee that. I regret that I shared maybe a few too many “Christianese” platitudes that weren’t actually helpful in the long run at all, or maybe left some of you feeling like God overlooked you because your story isn’t playing out quite the way you’d hoped.
Out of the probably 30 something people in my old support group of women I connected with 6 years ago, probably only a handful of them made it through these years after infidelity and are still married. They all worked hard. They all had faith. But ultimately a lot of them ended up divorced. Some of the ones still together would tell you that though it was a difficult road, life and marriage is better than ever and everything they dreamed of. Others would say they had hoped to have that, but what they ended up with doesn’t look quite like what they imagined or hoped it would be. Some would say they are barely hanging on by a thread. And some that eventually divorced have moved on and found happiness and others are struggling to get by.
My point is, sometimes where we end up doesn’t reflect our level of faith or ability to focus on the good or even God himself. Sometimes where we end up is just the reflection and impact of other peoples choices that are out of our control. And that is the one thing that God absolutely will not control, personal choices and freedom of will. So if my words ever led y’all to believe that if you’d just trust a little more, or be a little more positive, things would work out perfectly for you, I apologize. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. Your level of faith does not determine your outcomes in life. One of you is not more favored or loved than another. Sometimes, other people make choices that change the trajectory of our lives and it’s not a punishment or a curse or a sign that you weren’t good enough or that God didn’t love you as much or that you lacked faith. Some people have it easy or seem to get everything they ever wanted and more, and sometimes, bad things happen to good people for no reason at all and there’s no explanation for any of that other than life is just life.
So I won’t tell you that believing for the best will always ensure you end up with the best. Is a positive outlook important and even helpful, yes, for sure. Are you more likely to be happy with a positive outlook? Yes. But, Sometimes, life is just hard, and the only thing you can control is you. So yes, look for the good, hope for the best, do the work, make the best choices for yourself that you can in each moment along the way, and know that even if you end up somewhere that doesn’t look or feel like the best, in the end, you’re still gonna be ok. Without sounding too full of empty platitudes, there is still goodness to be found and life worthy of being lived, and people worthy of being loved, no matter what. If you hear nothing else from me, hear this, you are seen, and you are loved, you are worthy of good things, and you are not alone.
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s discuss the dumpster fire we have all endured over the last several years. 😩😂
Politics became a terribly scripted reality show. A pandemic happened. Religion and a large portion of the church became a platform of Nationalism and gave more space to political figures and ideologies than to Jesus himself. Some, not all… but too many decided being on the “right side” politically was more important than just being the love and light that Jesus intended. They spoke of their “God given freedoms” more than they spoke of Jesus commanding us to love the poor, help the sick, the widows, the orphans, the refugees. To genuinely care for each other. To put others above ourselves in general. Instead of sermons of hope and faith and love, they gave their podiums to political figures to make bids to win your votes. They preached a kingdom of exclusion, of us vs them, a version of Christianity that says if you vote for “insert candidate here” then you aren’t a Christian, basing someone’s value to Jesus himself on political stances. Basically sending the message that to be a part of the kingdom, to be loved and accepted by Jesus, to be a part of the faith community, you gotta be exactly like us.
Call it deconstruction, call it a dark night of the soul, call me a heretic if it makes you feel good inside, but if that’s what being a Christian is to people these days… I’m not that.
I’ll stick with Jesus follower and leave it at that.
And if me believing that politicians having the podium at church is wrong, like separation of church and state is right, that doing everything feasible to try and bring an end to an uncontrollable pandemic is essential, and that giving up a little personal freedom or comfort for the overall good and health of others, especially the immune compromised is more Jesus like than refusing to mask up for the sake of “standing your political ground and demanding your personal freedoms”, my belief that all races are equal in Gods eyes and as such should be given the same rights privileges and respect without fear or predjudice, and that LGBTQ people are precious and dear to God and deserve every bit of a beautiful life with love and marriage and family as the rest of us makes me a liberal or a democrat or whatever other word you want to call me, then so be it. I don’t claim to be a democrat, I’m pretty dang far from republican, and I’m not a socialist either. I wasn’t a fan of pretty much any of our political choices. I mean, is it too much to ask for a candidate that is smart, has integrity, is level headed, wise, not narcissistic, not racist or homophobic, and kind hearted?
If I have to claim a party or title, I don’t think I could because I’d say I probably hold some aspects of almost all of them. But mostly, I err on the side of love and goodness, So if that makes you hate me, or call me names, or slap labels on me, that’s between you and God. I don’t have all the answers, but when I weigh my stances on political issues, I will always, always land on the side of love and inclusion, and others before self. I have friends that feel the same as me, and friends that don’t agree with me on a lot of those things. And thats ok. We love each other for who we are, not our political or spiritual views.
As for me and God, we’re all good.
I may have left religion and this nearly unrecognizable version of Jesus that Christianity has seemingly become behind, but my faith, and my relationship with Jesus, is fully and completely intact.
God loves America. Sure he does. But he doesn’t love America any more than he loves Africa, Germany, Japan, Iraq , Australia or any other country on this planet. Heck, we along with many other countries didn’t even exist in the Bible, so there’s that. Should we have love for our country because it’s our home and should we be thankful to have the freedoms we enjoy? Absolutely, but it’s just plain silly to put ourselves on a pedestal as if we are the only chosen ones. God’s love is for all. His kingdom is for all. We are ALL chosen and loved.
God loves Christians. Sure he does. But he doesn’t love us any more than the Muslims, Mormons, Hindu or Atheists. His life message was not one of politics. No, In fact he railed against it. His message was simply “do good, act justly, walk humbly, love mercy.”
Do good. To everyone. Not do what benefits myself the most. Not do good for only people exactly like me. Not do good when people are watching.
Do good. Period.
Act justly. Treat others with respect. Insist on justice for everyone. Not just the ones that think like you, or look like you. Every race, every ethnicity, every political party, every religion, every sexual orientation. We are ALL precious in his sight. We are ALL made in His image. There is a bit of God in every single human that inhabits this planet. “What you do unto the least of these, you do also unto me.” We would all do well to remember that.
Walk humbly. Not create a platform to bring attention to myself and my political views as the end all be all and use God’s name to justify it.
Not call people names that see things differently than me. Not puff up with pride and hold myself as superior to anyone.
Love mercy. Not jump on the bandwagon of berating. Not hold hatred in your heart for those that don’t see things your way. Care for others. Have empathy for others. Show love, speak love, and BE love to others.
The Jesus that’s been presented over the past few years is not even close to the Jesus I know.
The Jesus I know is the one that fought for the underdog. The one that served the underprivileged. The one that chose a table of regular folks or even “sinful” folk that many Christians today would snub their noses at and deem unworthy. The Jesus I know is the one that walked into a temple that was showcasing politics, capitalism, commercialism and self righteousness and flipped every single table. The one that said “if you have not love, you are nothing.”
The Jesus I know whispers to every person, “You are perfect, just as you are.” The Jesus I know does not require anyone to meet any standard of perfection, because he already paid the price. When he said it is finished, he meant it. His sacrifice was a gift to us all. ALL. It requires nothing of us in return. Nothing can separate us from His love. Nothing. Even if we make bad choices. Even if we get mad at Him. Even if we all but ignore Him. His love never leaves. Life is a lot sweeter, and a whole lot less lonely no doubt, when we acknowledge and have relationship with Him, but His love is a constant and a given NO MATTER WHAT.
Religion fails us. Churches often abuse and manipulate and cause harm. Pastors sometimes value money and power more than love and kindness. People will disappoint us and break our hearts into a million pieces.
But Jesus, He is love, and ONLY love. He is light, and only light.
And that is the only Jesus I care to know. The one who sat with me on my bathroom floor when my heart and world were shattered. The one I screamed every single expletive imaginable at through my sobs in anger for every way I felt like He had failed me and my family. The one that just sat with me there, in that fear and heartache and anger and uncertainty and held me close. The one that meets us in our heartaches and our joys. The one that sits with me still.
We live in an imperfect world full of people that make terrible horrible choices and He isn’t there to control those choices. It’s just not what He does. But He is most definitely there when those choices or the choices of others send us to the bathroom floor, or the bedroom floor, or the side of the road. The Jesus I know sits there in our pain beside us and just listens. He isn’t taken aback by our angry outbursts, he doesn’t condemn us for being furious with him and the world and the people in it that hurt us. He doesn’t tell us to hush that crying. The Jesus I know takes our hands and says “I get it. I know what it’s like to be betrayed. I know what it’s like to see no way out, I even know what it’s like to be angry at God and mad that He didn’t change the circumstances. So I’m gonna sit here with you and hold your hand and tell you that it’s ok to be sad. We’ll be sad here together. Its ok to wish things were different. It’s ok to be angry. Yell at me all you want til you feel better. I can take it. The night is dark but the morning always comes. And I’ll be right here through it all. You are known. You are seen. You are loved. And you are not alone. “
The Jesus I know was that for me. And as the years have passed, maybe the words I wrote have not all held true. Maybe, like all of you, the last few years have held more disappointments than I care to share. Maybe, like you, I envisioned my story playing out a little differently than where we’ve ultimately landed. But I imagine that’s true for everyone. It’s just life. Imperfect, unpredictable, sometimes awful and also beautiful life.
But there’s always goodness to be found in it. There’s always joyful moments along with the disappointing ones. And I’ve found plenty.
Covid has taken so much from so many. It took a beloved uncle and a couple of cousins from us. There’s no goodness in that. Not one bit. Like I said – imperfect world. Life isn’t fair and death isn’t either. The best I can offer is that their suffering is done, and I believe they are enjoying the beauty of heaven.
Despite the overall suckiness of a pandemic, there has been good to be found.
I have my big extended family.
Love is our banner and we are GOOD at it. I do not know why some people are given such a gift as this, and others are not, because like I said God does not love one more than the other, but it is a gift I am infinitely thankful for. In the lottery that is this imperfect world, I hit the jackpot on this one. We love each other fiercely and we will love you fiercely too. I also got a pretty great family of in-laws that love me as their own. Goodness all around in the family department.
I have my girls. My beautiful , intelligent, kind girls. One who pushed through more hard days than this Mama’s heart cares to imagine. Who is kind and thoughtful and smarter than almost anyone. Who finally found the courage to be herself and found the one who her heart loves. The one who makes her face light up. The difference in her countenance since being able to fully and comfortably be herself with her family and friends and God and the rest of the world is good fruit that can be readily seen and measured, and it warms this Mama’s heart to see it.
🌈 Come at me if you feel the need on that. But, don’t you dare come at her. You have never seen fierceness the likes of this Mama bear. Actually, don’t even bother coming at me, because it’s a waste of breath unless you truly want to hear my heart on it. I will gladly give you the resources if you wish to do your own deep dive into this subject and how translations have been manipulated over the years, but I will NOT debate it with you.
Jesus is love. Only love.
And I see more of Jesus in the LGBTQ community than I see in a lot of churches these days. And that’s all I have to say about that.
I am infinitely PROUD of every bit of who she is.
My second one, she has a tender heart. She’s beautiful , kind, ambitious, and a loyal friend. She also pushed through some very hard days, and made some tough but smart choices in school and in relationships. I love seeing her thrive and the way her face lights up when she talks about her classes and her future now. She’s got that boss babe ambition that I know will get her where she wants to be. She’s the baby and y’all better be sweet to her and treat her right because this Mama Bear will take you down in a hot second. 😂 She is smart and ambitious and caring I am infinitely proud of every bit of who she is also.
Watching my girls find joy and beauty in their lives brings me joy.
We’re still married. It definitely wasn’t what I thought it would be when I took those vows 30 years ago. And maybe it isn’t even what I thought it would be when I gave it a second chance 6 years ago. But there’s goodness in it. The past few years have been trying for us for sure. Ok maybe that’s an understatement, 😉 but we still have the best time together visiting our favorite places and planning new adventures. And he still brings me my coffee in the morning. With almost as much caramel creamer as coffee, just the way I like it. He occasionally still rubs my feet. Not often enough but I’m not against him making that his New Years resolution 😂. And let’s not forget about the folding of the laundry and the whir of the dishwasher going and the clean countertops when I get home from work most days. There’s a whole lot of goodness in that.
I imagine you all have your own stories of trauma, hardship, heartbreak and loss from these last few years. But platitude or not, if you care to see it… and some of you that were dealt much more unfortunate cards may have to squint real, real hard, there’s been goodness in them too.
So here’s to you, 2022. May you bring more health than sickness, more healing than trauma, more success than failure, more fun than boredom, more inclusion than exclusion, more justice than injustice, more security than insecurity, more peace than anxiety, more love than hate, more goodness than evil, and more joy than sadness.
And may we all find the true Jesus. The one on the floor sitting in our sorrow with us. The one in the valley and the one on the mountaintop and the one that walks with us every step in between.
The one who is love and only love.
Maybe I lost some things over the past few years. I may have lost my “religion”. I may have lost my voice. I may have lost some friends or some time or some things.
Maybe I’ll lose some of y’all after you read this. It is what it is.
There may have been promises made that didn’t hold. There may be things I wrote that haven’t held. Maybe you lost some things too. Maybe all the things spoken to you, or things you yourself have spoken, haven’t held.
But Jesus, he held. Love held. Love always holds. And that, love, is all any of us need.
To be loved.
To be LOVE.
Let’s all try real hard to be a little more of that. Maybe a lot more of that.
Happy New Year.
❤️
Amy Thurston Gordy