So, last week’s post was tough. It was tough for me, because that day a year ago was so entrenched in pain, and writing about it, realizing that I remember every single moment and detail of that day… It was just difficult to go back there. It was tough for some of you too. I got lots of messages from people that have been through their own awful experience with infidelity, and reading my post took them back to their own D-day. For some it was comforting, knowing that they weren’t alone in their experience. That there was someone else out there that gets it. For others, their pain is still so fresh that it was just too painful of a trigger to get through it, the emotions of my words pulling them back into their own pain. For those, I wish I had thought to post a warning at the beginning, “proceed with caution, could be a trigger”. For those of you that were affected that way, I’m so sorry if my post added to your pain, and I pray that you keep pushing through the pain and find your healing. Because I get it. I get you. And I want goodness and peace and light and love and redemption for you all.
It was tough for my friends and family. So many of you knew how things happened that day, some of you were there for it. But I’d never really talked or written about the day in the moment by moment detail, and it was hard for you to read it, and experience my pain firsthand that way. Because you love me so much that it was heartbreaking and nearly unbearable for you to envision me walking through the pain of that day. And for that, I love you. I love, love, love you. I am so thankful to be loved so well and so deeply by so many.
Your love and support blesses me more than I can ever put into words.
So revisiting that day was hard.
But that day is in the past. And I am working diligently every single day to leave the pain of it there. And with each passing day, I shed a little bit more of it. I try to picture it falling off of me and seeing it there, lying on the ground as I walk away, towards the goodness and light ahead. It’s not always easy, and it’s a continual process. But I am intent on pressing onward, chasing the light.
And then there was Jeff. I think it was hardest for him.
He had to work that day last week when I wrote that post. I meant to warn him. I meant to send him a message telling him that I had posted a new blog but not to read it until after work. And then I got busy and distracted and totally forgot to send that message. Oops.😥
And then I got this.
Correction: he WAS him. Because he isn’t that “him” anymore.
So yes, that post was especially hard for him, remembering the person he was and the hurtful choices he made.
Before he finished reading it, he asked me why I wanted to put myself through writing that, and revisiting that day.
My first answer:
Writing is therapy to my soul.
To heal from the pain, you have to go through the pain. You can’t go around it, over it, or under it. The only way out of it is directly through it. In writing it, I am able to accept the pain. To acknowledge it, feel it, process it, and most importantly… purge it.
It’s one of the biggest ways that I heal.
Secondly, it’s a testimony.
A testimony that with God all things truly are possible. A testimony that no matter your circumstances, no matter how bad your situation, no matter the outcomes, if you choose to look for the goodness, the goodness always wins. ALWAYS.
And that is important. People need to know it. They need to know it and believe it and hold tight to it and never let it go.
Because the world needs these things, and I want to have a part in giving it to them.
I had been worried about the anniversary of that day. Worried that it would just be too hard. Worried about him being at work and me being left alone to endure the memories that would undoubtedly haunt me that day. And honestly, the anticipation leading up to the anniversary of that day was much worse than the actual day itself.
Because I finally realized something very important.
It’s just a date on a calendar.
It only holds the power that I give to it.
It’s in the past. We don’t live there anymore.
And I could choose to let it be a hard day full of painful memories, and I could allow those memories to overcome me and focus on that, or I could acknowledge that it was a bad day in my past, acknowledge that it was painful, but then choose to leave that pain there and celebrate the goodness of THIS present day.
And that is what I did.
We started the weekend off with a fun sushi/hibachi dinner double date with my oldest and her boyfriend.
Then on Saturday, the actual anniversary, Jeff had to work, and I spent the day with my sisters, daughter and Mom by the pool.
That night, after he left work, Jeff and I had a nice dinner date alone. Complete with this piece of celebratory pie to commemorate our “birthday”.
And then on Sunday evening, we popped open a bottle of sparkling wine, and snuggled up on the sofa to watch our favorite Disney World vlogs. (Hi Adam and Gary! If you somehow find this blog, just know that you are both light and love and joy and fun and I’m obsessed with your vlog. You two are my favorites. 😍😂)
If any of you weren’t aware, we are Disney fanatics around here. °o°
But mostly, we filled it with gratitude. Gratitude for where we are now, instead of sorrow for where we once were.
So what’s ahead for us? I don’t know. But I know it’s good. Because God’s promise says His plans are good. So I’m gonna rest in that. And His promise isn’t just for me. It’s for all of you, so you can rest in that too.
There was pain in my yesterdays. But there was also goodness that came from that pain and there is goodness in today and there is goodness in tomorrow.
So choose goodness.
It’s always there but you have to consciously choose it.
Focus on the goodness and the goodness grows.
Here’s a little goodness for you. For all of you that loved me so much you had a hard time reading my post last week.
An impromptu late night date.
Because we intend to squeeze the good out of every moment of this life that we can.
And because he’s cute. I mean come on, look at those twinkly smiling eyes. 😍
Now y’all go on out and find the good in YOUR day. There’s plenty of it to be found. ❤️
Amy Thurston Gordy